I’ve have made a lot of mistakes in my life. All of them I consider learning lessons but I can honestly say that out of all of them, I really only regret 3. 

I regret not valuing my Mom more. We had our share of arguments but they all seem really trivial now. I wish I had a chance to say I was sorry for making her worry so much. I wish I had a chance to say thank you for making all the sacrifices she made. I wish I could apologize for being a total shit. When I was 16 or 17, my Grandmother and Aunt wanted to take her to England with them. It had been my life long dream to go there and when she told me they couldn’t afford to take me too, I threw a fit. It’s so embarrassing now to think about the way I behaved and absolutely mortifying to admit that because of me, she didn’t go. I’m such an asshat.

I regret not getting to know someone in high school better. She is one of three people in my past that I have thought about over the years. We had the same driver’s ed class. She taught me how to play Rummy. I got pretty good at too. She says I gave my flannel shirt to her (I was grunge before grunge was cool) when she got cold. I really should have tried to cultivate that friendship more. We could have been Oprah and Gayle. Thanks to Facebook, I have a second chance. She is really amazing and I am so grateful to her for introducing me to her awesome friends. I love you, Dev.

And finally, I regret not keeping in touch with someone I greatly admire. She is also one of the three people in my past that I have thought about over the years. She is the one I have thought about the MOST. I have a shoe box filled with every single note she passed to me when we were in high school. I’ve kept them all and from time to time I take it out of the closet and read them. They still make me laugh. She’s smart and OMG funny. The kind of funny I wish I was. She was indirectly responsible for getting me hired at my first job and consequently introducing me to the first person I ever fell in love with. She also had the kindest heart. She really was a wonderful friend. She was the sister I wanted instead of the crap one I had (and still have).

I fucked it all up. I put her in the middle of something I should not have put her in the middle of. It went wonky and being in the middle she knew it went wonky before I did. She cared about me so much that she chose to spare my feelings by not telling me. When the truth finally came out, I was pissed at her for not telling me. We got into a fight and I know I hurt her feelings. I was born on the cusp of Scorpio and Sagittarius. Once I’ve wounded you with the arrows of the Archer, the stinger of the Scorpion whips around and finishes the job. I did call back to apologize but the damage was done. 

The next year she moved and went to a different high school. I was so wrapped up in my new job and my feelings for my boss (which went unrequited, btw which adds even more to the regret. More on that later.) that I didn’t make any effort whatsoever to maintain our friendship. She probably doesn’t even remember all this. I can’t seem to forget it.

There’s quite a bit more but I don’t think I have the emotional fortitude right now to type it all out. Suffice it to say, if there was an army of asshats, I’d be their Commander In Chief.

I wish I could tell her in person how truly and utterly sorry I am for hurting her and for not cherishing her friendship until it was gone. I wish I could tell her how important her friendship was and is to me. I wish I could tell her how much I looked up to her and how she made me want to be a better person even though I wasn’t capable of being one at the time. If I had a chance, I’d tell her I miss her and I have for a very, very long time.

I just want all my friends to know that like all Sagittarians, I suffer from Foot-In-Mouth disease. I do my best to censor myself but sometimes something inappropriate slips out. If I hurt your feelings, call me out on it. Tell me. 99.9% of time I don’t mean to hurt anybody’s feelings and will apologize profusely. I love each and everyone of you and I am so thankful all of you are in my life.

It has taken a little while for me to get around to watching Sherlock but I finally watched ep. 1 & 2 of the first season.

Normally I avoid reading or watching anything that mucks around with my favorite literary characters, especially Mr. Holmes. I wasn’t really interested in seeing Sherlock in a modern setting at first. A dear friend recommended I watch it and I kept hearing her voice inside my head, “You’ll love it, trust me.”

Well V, you were right. I do love it. I also get it now. I mean i always got it (remember the stories we used to write in school? Still have them btw.) but now I really get it.

Thank you.

Professor K, I see you up there in your too tight blouse trying to teach me what you know about math.

I don’t want to hear you explain how to solve a linear equation with two variables.

I want to teach you what I know.

I want to hear that little moan as my lips touch yours.

I want to hear you gasp when my fingers slide into you.

I want to hear you cry when I take you to the edge, then leave you.

I want to hear you beg for release.

I want to hear you whimper when I thrust inside you again.

I want to hear you scream my name.

Seriously. The world would be a better place. I know I’d be a lot happier. I know a few teachers that would be a lot happier too. 

I can’t count how many times I’ve started a diary or a blog only to abandon the prospect after a short period of time. However, over the last few months I’ve felt the need to write down my thoughts and feelings in a mostly anonymous way, once again. Hopefully, the result will be a much needed release for me and something thought provoking and humorous for you.

A few warnings:

1.) My posts will be erratic. There may be several in a day and then nothing for a month. It all depends on time, inclination and if I can get a second of privacy.

2.) There will be swearing. A lot of swearing.

3.) If you are easily offended, move along motherfuckers. See, I told you. Swearing.

So with that said, let’s get this horror show started.